I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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