We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
