Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
