I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
