I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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