dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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