i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
