These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize