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Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
