mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
