I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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