I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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