Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
