I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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