like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
