I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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