I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
