i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
