what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
