I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
