plz talk dirty to me
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
