i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
