Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
