We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
