life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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