Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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