Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
