If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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