Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
