woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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