U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My life is pants optional.
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