I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You may now shotgun with the bride
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
