Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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