She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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