when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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