Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
