I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
