What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
