I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
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