If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
