sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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