I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize