Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
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