gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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