I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize