my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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