When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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