just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
