So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
