also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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