I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
