I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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