I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
