i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
